T2+Narrative+writing

__Monday 4th July 2011__ BEFORE: AFTER:

BEFORE: AFTER:

WHAT I ADDED ON TO THE STORY:

__Tuesday 28th June 2011__
 * Narrative story**

BEFORE:

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“Bill get your bag we’re leaving now.” Anna shouted to her brother from across the room. ======

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But Bill still needed to pack his bag for the camping trip planned for that week. Bill ran up the stairs to his room and stuffed heaps of things that he might need into the suitcase, while Anna helps her mum load everything into the station wagon. ======

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After Bill had finally got organised he packed his suitcase into the wagon and buckled up for the ride. The Mount isn’t very far away from their home but the family decided that the Mount was a nice place to camp out in the Summer. The beach is right by the camp site, and the campsite is on the base of the Mount so they can walk around it when they want to. Town is right across the road and the hot pools is just a short walk from there. Anna and Bills parents were very excited for the family trip because it is a time for them to relax on the beach in the gleaming sun. ======

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Later in the afternoon the family had finished unpacking and setting up the tents. Bill and Anna thought they would leave their parents to rest and they would go for a walk up the mount. “Just as long as you be safe walking up there.” Their mum spoke as she lay down her towel in the sun. ======

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As Anna admired the lambs and buttercups in the fields Bill looked up at the sky. “This weather doesn’t look like it’s going to be very flash later on, it even looks like a storm is coming.” Bill said a little worried. ======

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“Don’t be silly Bill!” Anna laughed, but then she looked up at the sky and realised what Bill had spoken about. ======

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“Lets go back down to the camp site before it gets to bad aye?” Anna begged to Bill for him to agree. ======

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So the two kids started walking back the way they thought they had came. Suddenly they both realised a big water tank just a few metres ahead. Doesn’t make sense! “Bill did we pass this on the way?” Anna asked a little frightened. Is this needed in the story? What relevance does it have to your plot? ======

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“Na, we didn’t I’m sure of it.” Bill replied quickly. Just then both of them heard more rumbling coming from the sky. It was more thunder and the storm was coming really close towards them. Both Anna and Bill started to panic and didn’t know what to do. Then just as they were starting to figure things out a strike of lightning flashed and hit the water tank. With a jolt the water tank started spraying something out of it. It wasn’t water though. “Bill this stuff doesn’t look like water maybe we should take a run for it and just try and get out of here!’ Anna shouted from a metre away. ======

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As they started to run they realised they were going down hill and not up so that was a bit of a relief for them. “Anna I wanna just get back to the camp so we can be together as a family with mum and dad. “ ======

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“Hey that’s the hot pools ahead can you see it Anna, wait didn’t mum say that they were going to go there sometime this afternoon?” Bill questioned Anna. ======

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“I doubt they would still go in this weather though Bill don’t be stupid.” Anna joked to Bill. ======

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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; font-size: 80%; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">As they were talking and following the track they suddenly came to a halt. They were inside the hot pools by the kids slide. “Bill how did we end up here?” As they looked around they couldn’t see any way that they got there. ======

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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; font-size: 80%; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> “Look there’s mum and dad see I told you they might be here.” Anna said in relief. ======

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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Then they started running over towards the pool to speak to <span style="background-color: #ffff00; color: #000000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">there <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> parents. Again more lightning struck but this time it hit a side of the pool right where their parents were. A jellyfish appeared out of the hole in the pool and steam started rising to the surface from where the lightning had stricken. Everybody screamed as they tried to get out of the pool. As Anna’s mum grabbed her hand and leaped out of the pool in shock they both screamed for their dad to jump out <span style="background-color: #ffff00; color: #000000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">to <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">. Now everybody that was in the pool had jumped out but everybody including the men were frightened not only because of the giant jelly fish but also because of the unexpected storm that had just approached. As the giant creature tried to get to the side of the pool where everybody was in shock, some kind of light appeared from above them. Everybody looked up as they saw the sun coming out. ======

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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> “What a relief.” Dad spoke happily to everyone. <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #ff0000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Would he not be more concerned with the giant jellyfish in the hot pools??? ======

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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Then just as everybody was beginning to get over the whole situation a little toddler wanted to know what the thing was in the pool. He bent his finger down and the jelly fish ripped him down from the concrete ground into the bubbling pool. The mother of the poor little toddler started to scream as she watched in panic as the jellyfish electrocuted her son. She tried to help but it was <span style="background-color: #ffff00; color: #000000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">to <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> late. The toddler then floated up onto the surface with heaps of dash marks across his body from where he had been electrocuted. The mother fell down to her knees and began to cry as she saw her son dead. ======

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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; font-size: 80%; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> “What have I done to you?, I knew it was a bad idea bringing you here when you were only small.” The lady cried as she bent her hand in the water and picked him out. Just then a strangest thing happened. The little boy was not dead. He started breathing and to the relief of the mother she started to put air into his lungs by breathing into his mouth. ======

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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">The toddler was rushed up to hospital and was recovering well. The nurse had said that he would be home in a few days. <span style="background-color: #ffff00; color: #000000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">To the kids parents, Bill and Anna’s relief they didn’t enjoy their holiday very well as scary as it was but they admit it was all a big adventure. <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #ff0000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Doesn’t make sense. <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“Kids get your gear in the car we are going home now.” ======

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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #ff0000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; font-size: 80%; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Next steps in learning - Focus on using correct punctuation when including dialogue in your writing. You do not need to put a full stop after they speak for e.g. “Hello”. said Bill This should be a comma instead. ======

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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #ff0000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; font-size: 80%; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Make sure you stick to the same tense the whole way through - some of yours is in present tense and some in past - re-read and make these changes. ======

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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #ff0000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; font-size: 80%; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">You need to develop your character’s personalities also. ======

Thursday 30th June 2011 AFTER:


 * Camping disaster**

“Bill get your bag we’re leaving now.” Anna shouted to her brother from across the room. But Bill still needed to pack his bag for the camping trip planned for that week. Bill ran up the stairs to his room and stuffed heaps of things that he might need into the suitcase, while Anna helps her mum load everything into the station wagon. Anna is Bill’s older sister with gleaming green eyes and long blonde hair. Bill has light chocolate brown hair with lots of freckles on his face.

After Bill had finally gotten organised he packed his suitcase into the wagon and buckled up for the ride. The Mount isn’t very far away from their home but the family decided that the Mount was a nice place to camp out in the Summer. The beach is right by the camp site, and the campsite is on the base of the Mount so they can walk around it when they want to. Town is right across the road and the hot pools is just a short walk from there. Anna and Bills parents were very excited for the family trip because it is a time for them to relax on the beach in the gleaming sun.

Later in the afternoon the family had finished unpacking and setting up the tents. Bill and Anna thought they would leave their parents to rest and they would go for a walk up the mount, but their mum always needs to tell them the extra message before they go any where on there own. “Just as long as you be safe walking up there.”

As Anna admired the lambs and buttercups in the fields Bill looked up at the sky. “This weather doesn’t look like it’s going to be very flash later on, it even looks like a storm is coming.” Bill said a little worried. “Don’t be silly Bill!” Anna laughed, but then she looked up at the sky and realised what Bill had spoken about. “Lets go back down to the camp site before it gets to bad aye?” Anna begged to Bill for him to agree.

So the two kids started walking back the way they thought they had came. All of a sudden they came across a big water tank. “Bill did we pass this on the way?” Anna asked a little frightened. “Na, we didn’t I’m sure of it.” Bill replied quickly. Just then both of them heard more rumbling coming from the sky. It was more thunder and the storm was coming really close towards them. Both Anna and Bill started to panic and didn’t know what to do. Then just as they were starting to figure things out a strike of lightning flashed and hit the water tank. With a jolt the water tank started spraying water out at them and onto the ground. As they started to run they realised they were going down hill and not up so that was a bit of a relief for them. “Anna, I wanna just get back to the camp so we can be together as a family with mum and dad. “

“Hey that’s the hot pools ahead can you see it Anna, wait didn’t mum say that they were going to go there sometime this afternoon?” Bill questioned Anna. “I doubt they would still go in this weather Bill don’t be stupid.” Anna joked to Bill. As they were talking and following the track they suddenly came to a halt.

They were inside the hot pools by the kids slide. “Bill how did we end up here?” As they looked around they couldn’t see any way that they got there.

“Look there’s mum and dad, see I told you they might be here.” Anna said in relief. Then they started running over towards the pool to speak to their parents. Again more lightning struck but this time it hit a side of the pool right where their parents were. A jellyfish appeared out of the hole in the pool and steam started rising to the surface from where the lightning had stricken. Everybody screamed as they tried to get out of the pool. As Anna’s mum grabbed her hand and leaped out of the pool in shock they both yelled for their dad to hop out as well. Now everybody that was in the pool had jumped out. Everybody including the men were frightened not only because of the giant jelly fish but also because of the unexpected storm that had just approached. As the giant creature tried to get to the side of the pool where everybody was in shock, some kind of light appeared from above them. Everybody looked up as they saw the sun coming out. “What a relief, but we need to sort this jellyfish out before it hurts someone.” Dad spoke to everyone.

Then just as everybody was beginning to get over the whole situation a little toddler wanted to know what the thing was in the pool. He bent his finger down and the jelly fish ripped him down from the concrete ground into the bubbling pool. The mother of the poor little toddler started to scream as she watched in panic and tried to get him out.The jellyfish was electrocuting her son leaving gashes of red all over his body. The mother of the toddler managed to rip her son out of the jellyfishes sight and she began to try and get him to breathe. “What have I done to you?, I knew it was a bad idea bringing you here when you were only small.” The lady cried as she kept putting air into the little kids mouth getting him to breathe.The little boy started breathing almost properly but he looked unconscious.

The toddler was rushed up to hospital and was recovering well. The nurse had said that he would be home in a few days. “This wasn’t as fun a camping trip than last year but it was surprisingly a little fun with all the dramatic things that happened.” Bill said to Anna as he lifted his gear from the tent. “Kids get your gear in the car we are going home now.”

Tuesday 28th June 2011
 * Before**


 * After**

Wednesday 22nd june 2011 Tuesday 21st June 2011

Walt: use dialogue correctly to enhance our writing.

“The ground is shaking, I think theres an earthquake!” Kobey screamed trying to hold Lila’s hand. “Don’t go into the building you idiot it’s safer out here.” Lila replied as she started to run. “Well hurry up let’s get out of here before that old dairy falls on us!” Kobey yelled to Lila as he started to follow after her.









__**Tuesday 14th June 2011**__ __**Walt: Use our senses to help describe in our writing.**__ **S.C. We can describe what our marshmallow looks like, smells like, feels like, tastes like.** **Description of a marshmallow.**

See- The colour of my marshmallow is like waves crashing down on the water in the sea. It looks like someone has sprinkled some kind of powder over the tops of the marshmallow. It is small and round at the top, and goes on a slope like a mountain of snow. It looks very dry like a person's cracked skin.

Smell- My marshmallow smells like a sweet sensational lolly, and is like someone has added a drop of vanilla into it making the sense of it fly into your nose.

Touch - It feels very squeaky like a mouse. It cracks when you squeeze it like a volcano ready to explode. It feels as hard as a rock until you squeeze it and all the soft fluffy feeling oozes out onto your fingertips. The powder leaves a soft feeling that makes a cold feeling rush up your spine.

Tastes - My marshmallow tastes quite bland but then the aftertaste rushes through to your mouth firing sweet tastes out exploding the real taste out. The powder on the top tastes like cornflour which I think gives it the bland horrible taste. It tastes quite rubbery on the inside and it cracks when you bite into it.

__**Thursday 9 June 2011**__

We can identify alliteration in text We can create examples of alliteration on different topics/consonant sounds.
 * WALT: We are learning to identify and use alliteration in our writing.**
 * S.C. We will know we are successful when:**

B- Betty botter bought some butter, but she said this butters bitter, so betty botter got some better bitter butter by buying more butter. C-Concerned cappuccino cats capture churping crickets carrying cradles, and climbing on cranes and cars. D- drunk dogs decide to dance down dranes holding dandellions disstracting doctors and dragons. F-fat fathers fart,on the families favourite fireplace with a flash. G- George gathers grass for the grasshopper grazing georgia's ground. H- hannah's horse hates having husbands hang around him while eating ham and hay. J-Jack and jill jiggle jewelry and jam while jogging. K- Katherine kindly knocks the kingfish into the kingdom at knight.

Wednesday 8th June 2011
 * __WALT - identify similes and metaphors__**
 * Metaphors**

//Metaphors// are a way to compare to by saying that one thing is another thing. For example, we say somebody is a //fool//. In the past in Europe, a fool was a person who entertained the king or queen by doing silly things. The fool was a kind of clown. He often did crazy or stupid things to make people laugh. So when we call somebody a fool we really mean that he or she is doing something silly or stupid. We don’t really mean that they are somebody who entertains the king or queen. We are using a metaphor. What do we mean when we say these things:

When we //say someone is a pig// we really mean that - __They are messy and smelly. √__ When we //call someone an angel// we really mean that - __They are sweet and lovely. √__ If we //say someone is a giant// we really mean that - __They are really big. √__ When //we call a man an ogre or a woman a witch// we really mean -__They are wicked, mean and ugly.√__ When somebody plays cards and //we call them a shark//, we really mean that - __They keep beating you. √__ If we say that //somebody is a volcano ready to explode//, we really mean that - __They are so angry they feel like they are going to explode. √__ When we say somebody is //bright// we mean that - __They are very intelligent. √__ © 2005 www.bogglesworldesl.com

**Metaphors, Metaphors** Metaphors are imaginative ways to describe something by comparing that thing to something else. For example, if I wanted to say that Dan is tall, I could say that //Dan is a giant//. Use a metaphor to describe somebody who is: tall - Shelby is a giraffe. √ kind- Georgia is a fairy. √ fast- Ella is a cheetah. √ slow- Abbey is a turtle √ smart- She is a light bulb√ fat- Dad is a whale. √ sneaky- The mouse is a spy. √ angry- Claire is a dragon. √ beautiful- The bride is glowing. √ ugly- She is a witch. √ stubborn- Elle is a mule. √ short- Dave is a dwarf. √ thin- He is a piece of paper. √ silly - Jack is a clown. √ He is a giant. scared easily- He is a jumping cat. √ She is an angel. © 2005 www.bogglesworldesl.com

Pattern 1: like Pattern 2: as Examples Similes are a way to compare two things using ‘like’ or ‘as’. For example, if I want to say that somebody //swims well//, I can say they //swim like a fish// because fish swim well. There are two basic patterns that you can use. verb + like + noun She swims like a fish. He looks like an ogre. She plays like a pro. He walks like a duck. She acts like a fool. as + adjective + as + noun Examples He is as tall as a giant. √ She is as fast as a rocket. √ He is as graceful as a swan. √ She is as sneaky as a fox.√ He is as quiet as a mouse. √
 * Similes.**

How could I say that somebody: runs fast- She is as fast as a cheetah. √ is pretty - She is as pretty as a flower. √ jumps well - She jumps like a frog on the lily pads. √ is strong - He is as strong as iron. √ How could I say that something: is hard - It is as hard as a rock √ feels soft - Feels as soft as a baby. √ is sweet - Is sweet as honey. √ feels rough -feels rough like sandpaper. √ is heavy - Is heavy like an elephant. √ sounds noisy- Sounds noisy like a race car. √ is light- Is light as a feather. √ © 2005 www.bogglesworldesl.com